Mental Breakthrough

I'm trying to look at this as a positive event but I'm still having a hard time dealing with it, I guess. Way back in April, I wrote a post that was inspired by the Biggest Loser, because Jillian insisted that there is something psychological behind everyone who is as overweight as I was.

At the time, I did a lot of thinking and I just couldn't come up with a reason for myself. I figured that I was probably just lazy and accustomed to convenience food, and that I had little willpower and if I liked something I continued to eat long past the point where I should stop. Those things were true, but they aren't the whole reason. I guess I figured that I was just plain fat, with nothing screwing up my head. I was wrong.

I know it's not just the convenience food issue now, because nothing is more convenient than Nutrisystem. If I'm hungry, all I have to do is open a package and I've got a meal. Maybe it's not quite as good as it could be if I fixed it up, but most of them by far are still pretty darn good for packaged food.

Then today, I finally got it. I don't even really like writing it so I don't know how people can bring themselves to deal with their issues on TV. Writing this post has been difficult but I wanted to share it with you in case it helps someone else.

I've read about people who comfort themselves with food- they're unhappy, so they self medicate with things they like. I had considered this but eventually dismissed it because it used to be that when I was upset, I just wouldn't eat at all until my blood sugar dropped and I started to feel very sick and then I'd just end up grabbing whatever was handy. That seemed pretty far from grabbing a bag of cookies to cheer myself up.

I'd been feeling a little down lately- maybe it's holiday blues or whatnot. I've just been stressed and a little overwhelmed trying to handle everything on my own, and not being able to get out because of the weather hasn't helped. So today my thoughts again turned to ordering in some junk food. After I put my son to bed, I sat down to really think about why. It's certainly less convenient than Nutrisystem, definitely more expensive, and I always feel horrible afterwards. Then I thought about the occasions I've written about here where I had difficulty staying on track, and it just hit me- I'm not medicating myself, I'm punishing myself. Part of me wants me to fail, and to feel bad about myself.

I guess most of us have that little devil on our shoulder, but I am not going to let him win. I don't deserve to feel bad, and I know that I can do anything that I put my mind to. I've said it before- the only person stopping me from becoming the person I want to be is myself, and I'm in control of that.

Knowledge is power. I have a feeling that it's going to be a lot easier to resist those urges next time they appear!