Look at me go!
That was my first reaction, and it's nice to feel positive. May was slow, but that happens sometimes. Onwards and downwards! It was super great to see the scale drop below that point I just couldn't get past. Hopefully things keep moving.
I'm glad to be feeling better because I've been suffering from quite a bit of body dysmorphia lately. When I look at myself in the mirror, I still see the same me that I saw when I started this journey, albeit I do notice my face is thinner. But the rest of my body? I feel like I must have lost this weight proportionately, because I still see the same big gloopy meat sack when I look at myself. Batwing arms and fat saggy thighs and more rolls on my stomach than at a bakery. But just because that's what I see, doesn't mean that's really what is there. I was wearing a size 24 when I started, and those clothes hang off me. Even if I have trouble seeing the results of my hard work, doesn't mean that they doesn't exist.
I did save all my smaller clothes when I started to regain the weight back in 2016 and I put them away in Rubbermaid totes. I pulled out some of the bins to try clothes on this weekend and I was surprised to find that some of them are already too big! I wasn't expecting that, because I still weigh considerably more than I did the last time I wore this size- maybe 25lbs more? So that's a very clear statement of how the exercise is shaping my body- because I'm just blowing through sizes whether I feel like I look different or not. It makes me kind of wonder where I will end up. At the goal weight I have picked, I was wearing a size 10. I'm still over 50lbs away, and currently wearing a size 14. If I've ever been below a size 10, it was before I can remember, so I have no clothes beyond that. I used to joke my closet was ready for anything, because I had outfits from size 10 to size 24. This time, I'm getting rid of the big clothes- hopefully I'll be able to sell some of them and save up the money to buy some new pieces! It's kind of hard for me even to process the idea that I might end up wearing clothes smaller than size 10 so I'm going to leave that as a Future Me issue and keep my focus on now. Baby steps.
And I finally made it to 0.5mg last Monday, for my 31st shot! Yup, I'm way off the standard dosing schedule, and I'm okay with that because of how it's reduced my side effects while still remaining an effective dose. Do I get hungry? Yes, absolutely! But I've been able to internalize that hunger isn't the enemy- it's part of a healthily functioning body. And when I'm not afraid of being hungry because I know I can eat a reasonable portion and be satiated, then a whole big piece of my food issues melt away. I can trust listening to my body, eat when I'm hungry and not when I'm not- with the exception of making sure that I get enough calories in to fuel my body. Especially given the amount of exercise I'm doing, I need to make sure I eat enough so that I have energy to work out and protein to build muscle.
That's actually another change- long before this point in my Nutrisystem weight loss journey, the plan I was on recommended only 1200 calories for the women's program. That's really hard to stick to, plus there's nowhere to reduce when you plateau. I feel that I'm making better choices this time around by trying to boost my metabolism with the exercise so that I can eat more and not need to reduce my calories to that level. After all, maintenance is forever, and I want it to be sustainable long term. I'm eating anywhere from 1400-1800 calories daily at this point (with the occasional day higher or lower), and still losing weight. We'll see how it works going forward, but again- I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
My intention is to stay at 0.5mg for the foreseeable future, until there is a need to increase my dose. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
OZ Week 3 gain: 2.0lbs
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