Well, it's been a rough couple of months. Depression is a bitch. I've really been struggling to do much of anything, let alone plan my meals and work out. I've also learned that apparently grief has a physical effect on your body. I've lost a ton of cardio fitness, stamina, and something has obviously happened to my muscle because I can't lift even close to what I was doing before.
That's really frustrating. I've worked SO hard to improve my health, and now I have to cope with this huge setback. But we don't get to choose what crap life throws at us or when; we just get to decide how we're going to respond to it.
I don't want to regain all this weight. I don't want to stop going to the gym. I was enjoying it (shhh!) at least a little bit. I don't like the way my body feels when I'm eating too much junk food. While I don't suffer the kinds of effects that many Ozempic patients do when they eat badly, I still get bloated and uncomfortable, and I can actually see the changes in my heart rate on my fitness app from the sodium and saturated fat.
Finding the energy to eat better (if not where I was before) and the energy to go to the gym is still tough, though. It's difficult to engage in self care during grief, which is why I was eating a lot of convenience food. I've been trying to build in those shortcuts as much as possible, so I did reorder Factor meals so that I'd have healthy lunches at a minimum (follow my link to save $80 if you'd like to try them!), and I tried to get a little bit of meal prep done so that there would be ready food in the freezer and I'd be less likely to order takeout if I was exhausted.
So, it's been a rough few weeks and I've definitely gained weight. That being said, I sure don't blame myself. I was and still am mostly in survival mode and that's okay. As long as I don't let myself backslide too far. My therapist says she doesn't think I'll let myself wallow too far even if I want to and she's probably right, but it's just so frustrating. I worked so hard to build up that muscle mass and to feel better about myself and this was really a kick in the teeth.
I can't change what has happened. But I can do my best when I wake up in the morning each day and give myself grace on the bad days. All I can do is my best, and some days are going to be worse than others. It doesn't mean that it's not still my best.
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