Update

 Well, grief's a bitch. I haven't felt up to writing, and I'm honestly not sure what week it is anyway. I'll do my best to figure it out as soon as I have some energy to do so.

It feels pretty awful that I've barely lost any weight in a year, despite going to the gym, despite Ozempic. I'm about six pounds less than what I weighed on this date a year ago. I know my diet hasn't been perfect, but it feels like it's been a lot better than that result shows, which is disappointing. And I'm not into vanity pounds territory yet; despite muscle, I still weigh quite a bit more than I should, so this isn't the point where getting off the last few pounds should be this level of struggle. It's disheartening.

That being said, I suppose it shows just how much effect cortisol and lack of sleep have on the body. This week one year ago was when I lost my dear family member and the wheels have been off ever since. Six months since I lost my mother as well. And I'm really struggling. It's hard to find energy to do anything, let alone take care of myself.

I had to extend my Healthywager, because obviously I didn't make it, but I wasn't ready to give up yet. I can still make a profit if I can lose another 15lbs in 6 months, just slightly less of one. And I could use the money for new clothes and spending on my new hobbies, which I've been using as a grief distraction.

I am just so exhausted with life and with everything. It would be nice if one thing was working for me. You'd think with going to F45 4-6x per week, something would be happening, but I don't even feel like I'm progressing through heavier weights either despite all my hard work.

At any rate, I might not know what week it is, but here is what I do know.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Year 2 loss: 19.8 lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!)

Today: loss 2.2lbs from last week

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 88.6 lbs

Week 113 Weigh In!

 Well, readers (not sure who is still reading, but I need to write for me), it's been a rough few months. Funny how losing two of the most important people in your life can derail just about everything else. I gained a few pounds back, and fighting to regain at least enough of my balance to keep going. I do not want to regain all this weight again. It's embarrassing to have gained so much back in such a short time, but I am hopeful that I'll be able to put on the brakes and get back on track.

Honestly, with all the exhaustion around grief, I'm finding myself missing the convenience of Nutrisystem. I love Factor but it's a little pricey. Nutrisystem is cheaper but since we can't get the frozen food here in Canada without shenanigans, it really does need to be doctored up a bit to be good eats, and at that point I may as well just cook for myself. I'm looking for food that is quick and easy while I try to heal from all the pain I am in.

This was not how I envisioned my weight loss journey. I would have expected to be at goal or close to it by now, working on maintenance. Now I've wiped out my entire second year worth of work. My doctor has reminded me to be kind to myself. I've suffered a lot of trauma in 2024 and struggling to survive is taking a lot of my energy.

That being said, I did prepay for a year's membership at F45, so I plan to get my money's worth. I haven't been yet this year because I am sick and I don't want to be That Person making everyone else sick too. I'm hoping I'll feel well enough to go tomorrow because it's one of my favourite workouts on the schedule. And I'm back to calorie counting on the Lose It app so that I can kick my butt in gear.

I also did finally raise my dose of Ozempic to 1mg. Finally at the therapeutic dose after more than 2 years. I hope it will give my body enough of a kick to start the scale dropping again. I did notice a big change in my hunger levels the day after the new dose, so that's a positive sign. I overate quite a bit during the holidays (although less than I usually would) and noticed I was hungry quite a bit more often than I really needed to be. I would like not to have to fight my body in addition to the emotional eating because now I have a long, long way to go again.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Year 2 loss: 19.8 lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!)

OZ Weeks 105- 112: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 113: gain 18 lbs raised dose to 1 mg

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 69.2 lbs

Two Year Weigh In

 

This has been, by far, the worst year of my life. The fact that I'm still standing and still managed to lose weight is not inspirational. This is not a motivational post. It's simply been about survival.

That being said, I've still come a long way, and I'm proud that I'm doing my best, even if my best can fluctuate from day to day. Here is a before pic, and a current one.

Yup, you can see that loose skin hanging on my arms. It's also on my belly and thighs, and yes that's with strength training and collagen and whatever else they recommend. Do I love it? No. Am I much happier to have loose skin than taut skin filled with fat? Heck yes- not even a question. It's always possible it will tighten a bit over time and with continued weightlifting, but it's not my priority.

Was this the kind of weight loss I wanted to see this year? In isolation, no- of course not! I was hoping to be at my goal weight by now. Given the year I've had? I think it's bloody amazing that I lost any weight at all and didn't put myself back on the track to regaining.

In May, I lost my life partner suddenly and unexpectedly, and I have a parent in palliative care and I'm expecting a phone call any day now. I still have my child to care for, and trying to take care of myself too when I'm deeply grieving has been beyond difficult. Weight loss at this point has become one of the least important things in my life. 

I have tried to solve as much as I can. I don't have the emotional or physical energy to cook or plan meals, so I've been ordering meals from Factor so that I have something reasonably healthy I can grab from the fridge without having to meal plan/grocery shop/mise en place/cook/clean and then still have to want to eat at the end of it. I'm 100% sure that having food I could just grab that isn't fast food/horribly unhealthy frozen food is one of the main reasons I haven't gained back a lot of my weight.

Secondly, I'm looking at F45 as a coping mechanism at this point. Going to the gym lets me forget, for that 45ish minutes a day, all the pain and sadness in my life and instead I get to focus in the very purest sense, simply on breathing. Seriously, because apparently my body actually does forget to breathe when I'm weightlifting and I need to be reminded!

My body still hasn't made a full recovery from all the damage that grief has inflicted. As I've said in previous posts, I found it shocking what kind of physical impact grief and stress hormones actually have on the body; while you read about it, it's kind of hard to believe and accept that it's not purely psychological. When my partner died, I immediately lost so much physical strength that I had to drop the weights I was lifting to about half of what they were before. It's been nearly six months now, and I was just starting to get back to that level again when my parent went downhill much more rapidly than expected and while the hit wasn't as bad as before since this was at least on my radar, it has set back my progress. Instead of using the weight I'm lifting as my progress monitor though, I'm instead just making sure I show up. 

Regardless of how my body is responding to stress, which is not something that's in my control- neither are the stress hormones that affect the scale- I can control the choice to go to the gym or not. And whether or not I can lift heavy, whether or not I get endorphins (I usually don't anymore, which I think is the grief and depression), I still get that short window of reprieve where all I have to focus on is that next 30 or 45 or 60 second set, and just breathing. 

That being said, I have hit a couple of milestones at F45 that I'm proud of. Just yesterday, I was doing a set that incorporated pushups, and the trainer said to me that the progress I've made since I started is incredible. She said it's too bad I don't have a video of me doing a pushup when I started to compare it to now. Before, I was doing pushups on my knees and still struggling. Now, I can do pushups on my feet. They're not perfect, and when I get tired I still do drop to my knees, but my form is much better and most of the time I can finish the station on my feet. Secondly, I did my first chin up just yesterday! Granted, I was using resistance bands for additional support, but I managed to get my chin over the damn bar, and that's a heck of a lot more than I could do when I first started. It's a pretty awesome improvement, and I'm going to keep working at it.

I have abs! I find that kind of crazy, since with as much body fat as I still have, I'd figure they'd be covered up. Also, I still have a pretty weak core and struggle with quite a few movements. But looking at myself in workout gear leaves no ability to deny there has been a change in my body, even with my dysmorphia.

In other nonscale victories, I'm down a few more clothing sizes. I'm not quite to the very bottom of my smallest clothes yet, but I'm getting there. I'm wearing jeans from the late 90s/early 2000s and my main lament is that the pockets definitely are NOT designed for smartphones! That being said, I like the fit better than a lot of jeans I've seen out there, so I'm going to keep these as long as they're still fitting. Love my Gap 1969s! 

My diabetes is in remission; my last A1C was 4.9 which isn't even at risk; it's a normal, healthy A1C. My blood pressure is down. My cholesterol is down. All the markers my doctor was monitoring are becoming healthier. BMI is still obese at 31.9, which I find kind of crazy, but there it is. I am not sure I'll even get down to their healthy range, especially with the weightlifting, but we'll see how it goes. I would like to at least be into the "overweight" category rather than "obese".

The only part where I'm even really paying attention to the scale is so that I don't lose my HealthyWager. I won my first wager last year, and placed a second one because I knew I was going to be able to keep up my healthier habits this time. That being said, I had no idea this year was going to bring so much trauma, and I'm beyond grateful that I kept my goal fairly conservative. I still have concerns about reaching it in time given that I can't control the damage that stress hormones are doing and will continue to do to my body. I still have 16lbs to lose by the end of April 2025, and the holidays are looming. I guess we'll see how it goes. I'm already struggling with the idea of the holidays missing two pillars of my life, and I don't think that further restriction will be mentally healthy for me. That being said, I don't want to eat myself into a food coma, either. That's how I got to where I was in the first place, and I'm never going back to that. So, I'm back to taking things one day at a time and doing the best that I can. Baby steps can take you a long way- as you can see from those photos above! 

I'm still taking a dose of 0.85mg, and I haven't felt the need to increase it. I have gotten food noise on bad grief days, but I don't think that's abnormal. I didn't realize I've only increased by 0.10mg this year though. At some point I will raise to 1mg- possibly after the New Year so I can really buckle down to win my wager. My side effects are very minor at this point. I occasionally have a small bout of nausea, but sucking on sugarfree mints always takes care of it. Occasional minor constipation. My main side effects were headaches and nausea, and both are fairly rare now. I never vomited or had sulphur burps or anything like that, partly which I think has been due to my very slow progression with dose increase. I'm glad that I chose to increase more slowly, as it's been this far and I haven't even reached the therapeutic dose yet, which hopefully will give me a boost when I need it.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Year 2 loss: 19.8 lbs

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

OZ Week 90 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 91 loss: 5.2 lbs

OZ Week 92 gain: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 93: no weigh in

OZ Week 94: gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 95 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 96 loss: 0.2 lb

OZ Week 97 loss: 3 lbs

OZ Week 98 loss: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 99 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 100 gain: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 101: no weigh in
OZ Week 102 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 103: no weigh in

OZ Week 104 gain: 1.6 lbs

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 87.2 lbs

Total loss since I started trying to lose weight: 114.2 lbs

Week 103

 I can't call this a weigh in post, because I'm not weighing in. Much as I hate the timing since next week is two years, some things in life are out of my control. Most things, honestly.

I just lost another very dear person in my life. Grief is overwhelming. It's hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other, let alone anything else.

I'll update when I can. This year... it's been awful.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

OZ Week 90 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 91 loss: 5.2 lbs

OZ Week 92 gain: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 93: no weigh in

OZ Week 94: gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 95 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 96 loss: 0.2 lb

OZ Week 97 loss: 3 lbs

OZ Week 98 loss: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 99 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 100 gain: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 101: no weigh in
OZ Week 102 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 103: no weigh in

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 88.8 lbs

Week 102 Weigh In

 Grief and stress hormones sure are fun, aren't they? The week counter is right; I didn't post a weigh in last week. Between my emotional struggles with missing family members at Thanksgiving and another family member going into hospice care this past week, the number on the scale has been by far the least of my concerns. 

I really am tired of everything being so stressful. It feels like I'll never catch a break. It's the beginning of the day and I'm already exhausted.

While I haven't been overeating and I have still been going to the gym (thank you F45 for starting the Fall Frenzy challenge!), it can be hard to lose weight when you're under stress and not sleeping well. This past month has been far from ideal for weight loss, and I've got to get things moving again so I win my HealthyWager. Grief or no grief, that's a lot of money and I've got to finish it.

Today is the start of week two in Fall Frenzy. It's not as intense as 45 Strong, thankfully. Fall Frenzy has no other requirements than doing workouts a minimum of four days a week, and you can also earn one extra point by doing the bonus challenge that they email you. I haven't seen this week's challenge yet but I hope it's attainable. This is a team challenge so I guess it'll be interesting to see how it shakes out but all I can do is my best. It goes until November 24.

I'd like to see a little more loss before I hit the two year marker, but if my body is stubborn there won't be much I can do. I don't think I'm ready to go up to 1mg yet but I'll consider it. I haven't really been hungrier than usual or craving more, so not sure I see the point. It looks like I was generally losing well since I increased to 0.85mg so I don't think dose is the problem. Diet is mostly on point, at least following the 80/20 rule. And I've been working out. So eventually if I keep doing what I'm doing things will pick up again. If only the damn cortisol would let go of me a little bit. Or maybe if life got a little bit better- that would be really nice. I'm not sure how much pain I can take in one year.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

OZ Week 90 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 91 loss: 5.2 lbs

OZ Week 92 gain: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 93: no weigh in

OZ Week 94: gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 95 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 96 loss: 0.2 lb

OZ Week 97 loss: 3 lbs

OZ Week 98 loss: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 99 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 100 gain: 1.8 lbs
OZ Week 101- no weigh in
OZ Week 102 loss: 0.6 lbs

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 88.8 lbs

Week 94 Weigh In

 Well, I think we have conclusively proved that cortisol and other stress hormones do prevent weight loss even when you're within a calorie deficit and exercising. I made it to the gym on 4 days last week and worked out hard and I was within my calorie range and instead I am up several pounds. I would love to say we can just accept this as proved and move onto something else now. I don't need any more testing of this hypothesis and I'd like to get back to weight loss, please!

Really, it's hard enough just keeping on with the exercise and the staying in a deficit; much harder than it normally would be when all I want to do is comfort eat and stay in bed. Life hasn't been kind lately and I've been dealing with yet another family member being hospitalized unexpectedly. Regaining this weight when I've been working so damn hard to stop myself from backsliding feels like insult to injury.

But there really isn't anything more to be done about it. I can't control the shit sandwich that life is handing me. I can't control what my hormones are doing, beyond taking my medication as prescribed. All I can control is what I eat (and within reason; I do not wish to develop any further sort of eating disorder), and how much I move my body. And if it takes a while for them to catch up and start showing results, there really isn't anything that I can do about it other than to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It's disappointing, and frustrating, and feels like another kick when I'm already down, but I'm not going to fall back into a hole. Right about now, taking care of my body feels like one of the only self care methods I have available to me. I want to keep going to the gym, even if it's hard and tiring. I want to build back up to the weights I was lifting before. I want to see the muscle definition in my body improve so at least I can see that I'm doing something positive for myself.

And so- off to the gym. Today is a resistance day, and I'll do my best.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

OZ Week 90 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 91 loss: 5.2 lbs

OZ Week 92 gain: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 93: no weigh in

OZ Week 94: gain 2.2 lbs

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 82.2 lbs

Week 90 Weigh In

So I forgot to write last week that I had planned to increase my dose just slightly, to 0.85mg. I didn't want to make the jump to 1mg for multiple reasons. First of all, a jump always runs the risk of unpleasant side effects. I've worked my way up slowly every time I increased my dose, and I think it's for the best because I tend to have minimal side effects. Secondly, I know that because my A1C is under control (yay!) that I won't get a prescription increase over 1mg so I want to save that last jump for when I'm much closer to goal and need the boost.

I did find that I have experienced some side effects this week but whether it's from the dose increase or just general distress from grief, I'm not sure. I've been generally not feeling well since the death in my family, and I find that when I'm under stress, the range of food that I can eat narrows dramatically. Everything tastes "spicy" to me and then I can't stomach it unless it's very bland, and since most bland food winds up being simple carbs, it's not ideal for the macros I generally aim for with at least 100g of protein daily. I don't eat low carb, but I do eat low glycemic carb, so I try to stay away from things like crackers, white bread, and potatoes- which are exactly the kinds of things my stomach wants when I'm stressed. The nausea and bloat/discomfort I'm feeling might be typical Ozempic effects but they're also typical grief and stress effects, too. Either way, it doesn't matter. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. All I can really handle in life right now is one day at a time, so this is just yet another reminder to do that.

Overall, I think I've done fairly well with my eating habits and I did make it to the gym 6 days last week for the trials sessions, and there are more this week as well. I'm hoping to go 5 days this week but we'll see how it goes. I didn't score very well in the trials but that's OK. I don't have high expectations of myself right now. Just showing up and being present for them is enough to be proud of.

And the weight is starting to drop off again, at least a little bit. I guess it'll be a while to get back to where I was before, but there isn't much I can do about that. I can't give up because I still have my HealthyWager on the line and I really need to win that $1341 USD! 

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus due to grief

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

OZ Week 90 loss: 1.8 lbs

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 79.8 lbs

Week 89 Weigh In

 Well, this was a little disappointing. I had thought that doing my best to get back on track and going to the gym would make more of a difference than that. That being said though, I did get my period last week and it was a rough one, so hormones might be making a difference.

Grief really does mess up your body. I'm starting to wonder if it's thrown me into perimenopause, because I'm starting to have night sweats now and that's not something I've experienced before. I know that weight loss gets much more difficult in menopause and I'm a little concerned that now my body will be fighting to hold onto this fat just as hard as I want to fight to get rid of it. I guess time will tell.

I had bloodwork done, and while my HDL cholesterol is a bit low, my A1C is still holding steady at 4.9 so I guess my recent poor dietary choices aren't having as big of an effect as I thought they would be. Thank you, Ozempic! 

It really has been a rough year so far. I'm past the halfway point for this year and I'm only down ten pounds, which is disappointing. But down is still better than up, and I'm starting to try and click back into my routine of going to the gym more often because I've definitely gained fat around my waist. The smallest pair of jeans I was wearing before my family member died is now too tight to pull up over my hips, and that is definitely a warning sign that I need to put on the brakes, grief or not. I've also noticed that my stomach muscles are less defined because the fat I gained went straight to my stomach. Since I had just gotten rid of a pile of clothes that had gotten too big, I don't have much in any larger sizes and I'm sure not buying new clothes to replace what I just got rid of! So it's time to get back on track in terms of my food intake and exercise.

This week and next week are trials weeks at F45, where they want you to count your reps during sets so that you can compare the results next time there are trials. I know I'm underperforming right now but at least it will be good next time that I should be able to see improvement. Because of trials week though, it means I have to get my butt to the gym! I'm booked in for six classes this week and five next week, so hopefully it will get me back into a healthier routine and I can start whittling away at my waistline again.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

OZ Week 89 loss: 0.4 lbs raised dose to 0.85mg

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 78 lbs

Week 88 Weigh In

 Well, it's been a rough couple of months. Depression is a bitch. I've really been struggling to do much of anything, let alone plan my meals and work out. I've also learned that apparently grief has a physical effect on your body. I've lost a ton of cardio fitness, stamina, and something has obviously happened to my muscle because I can't lift even close to what I was doing before. 

That's really frustrating. I've worked SO hard to improve my health, and now I have to cope with this huge setback. But we don't get to choose what crap life throws at us or when; we just get to decide how we're going to respond to it.

I don't want to regain all this weight. I don't want to stop going to the gym. I was enjoying it (shhh!) at least a little bit. I don't like the way my body feels when I'm eating too much junk food. While I don't suffer the kinds of effects that many Ozempic patients do when they eat badly, I still get bloated and uncomfortable, and I can actually see the changes in my heart rate on my fitness app from the sodium and saturated fat.

Finding the energy to eat better (if not where I was before) and the energy to go to the gym is still tough, though. It's difficult to engage in self care during grief, which is why I was eating a lot of convenience food. I've been trying to build in those shortcuts as much as possible, so I did reorder Factor meals so that I'd have healthy lunches at a minimum (follow my link to save $80 if you'd like to try them!), and I tried to get a little bit of meal prep done so that there would be ready food in the freezer and I'd be less likely to order takeout if I was exhausted.

So, it's been a rough few weeks and I've definitely gained weight. That being said, I sure don't blame myself. I was and still am mostly in survival mode and that's okay. As long as I don't let myself backslide too far. My therapist says she doesn't think I'll let myself wallow too far even if I want to and she's probably right, but it's just so frustrating. I worked so hard to build up that muscle mass and to feel better about myself and this was really a kick in the teeth.

I can't change what has happened. But I can do my best when I wake up in the morning each day and give myself grace on the bad days. All I can do is my best, and some days are going to be worse than others. It doesn't mean that it's not still my best.

OZ Year 1 loss: 68lbs (click here to see the week-by-week tracker!) 

OZ Week 53 gain: 1.4 lbs continuing dose at 0.75mg

OZ Week 55 gain: 1.6 lbs

OZ Week 56 loss: 0.6 lbs

OZ Week 57 loss: 2.0 lbs

OZ Week 58 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 61 gain: 5.4 lbs

OZ Week 62 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 63 loss: 3.0 lbs

OZ Week 64 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 65 loss: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 66 loss: 1.8 lbs

OZ Week 67 loss: 0 lbs

OZ Week 68 loss: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 69 gain: 0.2 lbs

OZ Week 70 gain: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 71 loss: 2.4 lbs

OZ Week 72 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 73 loss: 2.2 lbs

OZ Week 74 loss: 1.0 lb

OZ Week 75 loss: 0.8 lb

OS Week 76 gain: 1.4 lbs

OZ Week 77 loss: 5.0 lbs

OZ Week 78 gain: 0.4 lbs

OZ Week 79 loss: 4.0 lbs

OZ Week 80-87: on hiatus

OZ Week 88 gain: 9.4 lbs

Total loss on Ozempic so far: 77.6 lbs

On Temporary Hiatus

 I know not many people read this blog, but I wanted to update nonetheless. 

As I mentioned, last month I lost someone very dear to me and my world has just gone upside down. I am struggling to function at all. I'm either eating too much or not enough and completely ignoring my body's natural cues. I'm exhausted and haven't been able to devote energy to exercise. I'm just not coping well at all.

I am still taking my Ozempic. That being said, I have been completely ignoring its cues. I don't get side effects based on what I eat, so there are no consequences other than I feel gross and I'm regaining weight. I am honestly grateful for that because I don't want to live my life that way with an artificial barrier interfering with my food choices. My response means I have to manage my food intake on my own and I prefer that.

For the time being, it's not conducive to my mental health to be focusing on weight loss. I'm currently focused on just basic survival. That being said, I am trying to at least get to reasonable dietary habits for my health rather than the swing back and forth between not eating and eating too much. I'm also trying to get to the gym simply for my basic physical health.

I'm doing the best I can. Lately that's not very good, but it's the best I can. Getting on the scale when I'm drowning in grief is not going to be a good thing for my mental health, so I'm not going to be doing weekly weigh ins right now.

I'll still write when I can, and I'm not planning on this being a dead end to my blog, not that people ever plan those. But I'm still taking my meds, and I haven't modified my gym subscription yet because I want to have the ability to go when I am able to. I'm wearing my gym clothes today- my plan is to go.

This is one of those life's blows that I've got to make it through and come out the other side without ruining all my hard work, but first I've just got to survive.